Jeanine McKelvyThere is a quiet, heavy loneliness that settles around you when your phone rings from back home with the news you never wanted to hear. Yet the world around you in your current duty station keeps moving full speed nonetheless. You live thousands of miles from your extended family when grief strikes at the least expected moment, and that kind of grieving just hits you differently. You’re not just processing sadness…you’re wrestling with the ache of the physical distance, the frustration of travel logistics, and that profound guilt of not being there in the room with the person you love most knowing they won’t be there the next time you go home.
There is a silent struggle beyond the physical distance though, a quiet complex internal one on how to choose to say goodbye. We aren’t always able to throw life on hold when we live states or continents away just to be there. This is when you must realize that watching a loved one slowly fade from miles away will hurt deeply. Yet, those bright, living memories you once shared will always feel far more sacred than standing by a bedside marked with deterioration. Choosing to preserve those cherished moments…the laughter, the stories, the way they were when they were fully themselves is a deep and personal form of love, not avoidance of death.
The complicated layer of expectations…the quiet tension when they desire your presence and comfort, but you inform them you aren’t immediately coming home is a deep conviction that cuts your heart. Their time likely feels paused around loss, though you’re thousands of miles away where the clock never stops. Managing your home, homeschooling the kids, cooking, cleaning, holding down the fort (as all military spouses do), and carrying the hampers of clothes even with tears rolling down your cheeks. Wanting to be there for everyone is a noble instinct, but the reality of this life is that you can’t just drop your home front and abandon your duty station.
Finding a way to cope through things is an important vital health task at hand in these predicaments. Try to just have a completely raw and unfiltered journal. One where you don’t have to feel strong or like you’re holding it all together for the kids. If you don’t have the words or strength to write it, prayer can be used, as God knows what our tears mean even when we can’t find the words to say. If you can’t make it to the funeral, then plan a time you’ll be able to visit and find closure when you leave flowers upon their headstone. Honor the toll it is taking because grief hits us all in different ways…whether its physical, mental, or emotional exhaustion…lower your expectations and give yourself a little grace.
If you’re seeking a little extra help, the military has some resources they offer. Your local installation Chapel will have a chaplain regardless of your personal religious background that can offer 100% confidential, empathetic listening if you need it. Military OneSource offers a lot of assistance with grief and counseling if you need it there as well. Those friends you have made at your new duty station that feel like family are always a call away for a coffee or a listening ear.
I have been a military spouse now for some time, and personally, I feel that grieving from a distance is one of the hardest sacrifices of the military lifestyle. Whether it’s the spouse or service member that’s experienced the loss while rooted in a new place, grieving someone from afar pulls at your heart. Just know that missing a flight home or having to wait to go back does not lessen your love or diminish the legacy of the person you lost. You are continuing to manage your home front, balancing your everyday lives, and caring for your family.
Honoring the memory of someone you lost isn’t measured in proximity. Giving yourself grace, remembering the one you lost, leaning on those around you, seeking available resources, and pulling those you’ve made family near you close will help get you through until you’re back home with the family you came from. You can honor your loved one deeply even while being rooted in a new place when grief strikes the old one.
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